so this is love

So I’m in love. I know, I said I wouldn’t do it. I just proclaimed I’ll never be in another monogamous relationship, that I belong to myself now, I’ll never get married again, I'll never compromise myself for anyone ever again blah blah blah. The universe has always had a sense of humor with me. 

I realized on the drive home from paddling that I was sunk. I was like, “oh my god, I don’t want anyone else. What now?” It’s physical. It’s chemical. It’s spiritual. I literally melt. I don’t even remember the last time I felt this way. 

And the thing is I’ve been hanging out with all these amazing people who I dearly love. These beautiful men raised by mothers and grandmothers with hearts of gold. Gorgeous men. Impressive men. Unbelievably beautiful and capable and good men. Watching them has actually renewed my faith in men. After all these years I couldn’t have seen that coming. I had pretty much given up on the gender outright. 

And I’ve been patient with them in a way that doesn’t come naturally to me. One in particular I’ve been chasing around said, “I’ve reached my limit with you, just drop off my dive belt with (my cousin).” This after I told him how painful and exhausting it is to carry the feelings for both of us. He apologized later but can’t bring himself to say he loves me. He said, “I heart you Annie.” I told him, “A for effort.” I like that he calls me Annie. It’s very endearing because only my dad and closest relatives call me Annie and it makes me feel seen. And he knows it. He just looks at me and says, "Annie," in this giant low voice as I try to wrangle him for kisses that he tries to dodge.

But then there’s this heart of mine. My mom said, “I hope you find a grown man like ___,” and I said, “I’m not looking for anything. I don’t need a dude.” And then I thought about it and realized there is no one else like ____. Not anyone. And he’s not available and this will be a giant mess and there is such a big mess already. Why God why. 

I can feel the heartbreak right around the corner. It's right there, and I'm about to come up on it.

He says, “right person wrong time.” And I think – it’s all God’s time. How would we know? Nothing in my life has gone according to plan. I just push the ball forward and more is revealed and it's always a grand surprise and always better than what I had in mind. 

I spend quite a bit of time gesturing at the sky like, “What? What do you want anyway? What is this?” and then I show up for it and I never regret it. 

This man is a gift to my life. He heals my heart. It’s not an electrical shock, it’s a calm love, like something that was always there and was just waiting to walk through the door. A slow and steady tide. 

And the only thing we really have in common is our love of the sea. Now what. I just have to be grateful for the gift of him, however I get it, whatever shape it takes for whatever amount of time we have left. I have no control over it and I can’t ask for anything. I just show up and try to stay right.

Wish me luck – like I didn’t have enough to think about already now I just want to follow him around all the time. I'm wrecked.